Over and Done With

For those of you who do not know, I recently had to "resign" from my job. It was a long series of events which led to my resignation. But I have been able to analyze the events quite thoroughly now that I have nothing but time! It all boils down to my boss' lack of managerial and leadership skills (e.g. He's a spineless, kiss ass weasel! But you already knew that). He had no problem communicating with upper management and promising delivery of a laptop on my behalf but this bastard couldn't give me a simple phone call to let me know what was going on. Basically, I found myself in the impossible situation of a senior staff member who wanted something in an impossible time frame while I'm in serious foot pain. This woman had no concern for me or my medical issues and neither did my boss. Everything from there was pretty much down hill.

My boss sided with the senior manager at every turn. Once I finally got the laptop built there was a miscommunication between me and that heartless bitch regional director but I totally apologized for "any inconvenience" blah, blah, blah. Didn't mean beans. She wanted me gone and that's what they got. I got some severance and 3 months medical. I'm sure they did that as hush money so I don't go trying to sue them or something. I'm just glad I'm out of there. That place was becoming more toxic than a pack of cigarettes a day! The thing that REALLY sucks is that good people are being subjected to management's lack of leadership. But management is so clueless that they have no idea that 1/2 the staff is looking for work at any given moment. Another case of an organization being run by idiots. Good riddance to bad rubbish I say!

And the Darwin Award Goes To...

Believe it or not sitting around the house, eating everything in site and watching TV does get old. I can't even believe I just said that!! As you know I have been recovering from foot surgery over the past five days. It would have been great if I could have left the house and walked around the park or something. Nope, I was cooped up in the house like a shut in. Now I know how dogs feel when company comes over. I was so happy when friends would come to visit. I was even happier when they brought food! I was getting cravings like a pregnant woman. One friend brought over some Popeye's Chicken. I swore to her that I wouldn't touch that stuff because it was too greasy. After smelling it for five seconds I pretty much inhaled it. Another friend was kind enough to bring over some beer after I called and told him I was jonesing for one! God bless my next door neighbor for the Swedish fish. But girlfriend, you didn't have to bring over 2 pounds! I think I've already eaten a pound!!!!

This morning all that is over because it is my first day back at work. I would like to share with you one of my Darwin award nominating moments from this morning. Taking a shower! Since I can not get the bandages wet I have to cover my foot in a plastic bag. Being ghetto I don't have one of those fancy shower bags for the foot. No, I have a Target bag and neon shoe string. So I'm walking around with this Target bag on my foot tied up with shoe string and I get in the shower. Picture this. I have the Target bag foot elevated on the rim of the tub (I don't trust that the shoe string will keep a water tight seal). I'm balancing myself on the other foot which is still in pain and due for surgery in about three weeks and I'm holding the shower head with one hand while trying to soap with the other. It's amazing I'm still alive! Can't you see my dumb ass slipping and hitting my head on the fixture or something? Note to my family: If this does happen please make sure you sue Target for making defective plastic bags. Regardless of that I made it to work just fine... I'm ready to go back home now.

Paul Bunion: Still ALIVE!!

Gang, I made it through. I will admit that I was a little nervous right before the operation. Probably had something to do with the fact that I was sitting on a leather chair in one of those hospital gowns with my back and ass sticking to the chair. which was cold and sticky! They should also have a little sound barrier between the operating room and the waiting area because every time the nurse opened the door I could hear what sounded like electric saws and electric staples or punches. At least that is what it sounded like to me. Freaky! My vision of the operation was that I would be sitting in a very comfortable chair and there would be soft music playing in the background. Kind of like a dentists office. Oh no! It was an actual surgery room, all white with those big lights overhead like on ER and me stretched out on some hard ass table that looked like some kind of Medieval torture device. There's also a hole in the middle of the table. I don't even want to know what that is for! The good thing was the anesthesia worked great! I was a little worried I might wake up and hear stuff! Thank God that was not the case. I had just laid down and the next minute my foot was all wrapped up and they were giving me the bums rush off the table! I don't remember anything.

I will say that my dad was a gem. He brought me to the surgery center and back. I stayed at his place that afternoon and evening, ate like a pig (Nothing to eat or drink in over 16 hours!) and took several naps while the anesthesia wore off. Now I'm home surrounded with tons of comfort food, about 1000 remote controls, a computer, plenty of movies (Thanks Luther!) and let's not forget drugs!! If I didn't have bills to pay I could live like this for the rest of my life!

Oh, thanks to Jim Benn for the "Paul Bunion" thing. I try not to steal lines but sometimes...

Jack the Knife

Knife? Knife?? Did somebody say knife?! Oh Lord have mercy! They gonna' cut a piece out of Pauly's foot! I've never even had a broken bone and now I'm paying someone to break my toe to make it all better. It's a little tale that started about a year ago when I found out I had flat feet. Apparently that condition can also lead to bunions. It would have been nice if someone had told me that sooner. I would never have surgery if I didn't need it and the podiatrist seems to think I should have it. God only knows how much coin old boy will be getting for a 1/2 hour procedure. Regardless, I think I need it also. I have been in persistent pain for the past couple of weeks. Thing is, it wasn't a gradual thing. One day the pain wasn't there and the next day it was. Goodness, I look so pathetic walking around in the loop. I swear little old ladies with walkers were passing me!

Come tomorrow I will look even more pathetic because I will have to walk around with a surgical boot. It kind of starts making you think about our mobility. I've noticed the various ways people get around. Walking, limping, crutches, kanes, walkers, wheelchairs and yes even Segways. Somehow, someway we are getting from point A to point B regardless of impairment. It's actually kind of amazing. I would say that is one freedom we all want to keep. 'Cause honey's I'm not letting any grass grow under these feet. I plan to be riding my bicycle before the end of the summer. Who's up for a Lakefront ride?

So Many Questions

Hey gang. There are some questions that have been floating around in my head. I think it's time for them to float right out into this journal so here you go!

1. Why is my cat extremely shy when I watch him eat but he has no problem licking his privates in front of company?

2. In reference to last nights Presidential news conference: If the country is trying to reduce it's dependance on foreign oil why didn't the president mention energy conservation? I know stupid question but I had to ask.

3. Now that I have made up my mind to leave my crappy job why is the quality of my work better?

4. Why does a middle aged woman who makes a 6 figure salary come in my office and whine like a baby when she needs something? This one really gets on my nerves!

5. Why do people always walk into my office a minute after I pass gas?

6. Why do people walk in my office?!

7. Now that we have this national push to eat healthier because we are such fat asses why on God's Earth do I keep finding stuff like this availabe at restaurants?

8. When people are crossing a two lane road why don't they ever look in the direction of oncoming traffic? All Darwin award nominees. Dumb asses!!

9. Why do fat ugly guys like to parade around naked in the gym's locker room while the cute ones scurry out really fast? WHY???!!!

10. Where on Earth does that new Airbus airplane (the one that holds a million people) expect to land?

And last but not least...

11. WHY HAVEN'T I FOUND ANOTHER JOB YET?

If questions are the beginning of wisdom then I must be a fucking genious!

Praying to Concrete

OK, that's it. I have had it! I don't care what religion you are. I really don't, but for those of you looking for miracles I don't recommend hanging out in Chicago viaducts! It's just getting kind of crazy here. But I guess I can see how this kind of thing happens. The leader of your church takes off to meet his maker and you are left here floundering and wondering what will happen next. As you are walking down Fullerton Avenue and under the Kennedy expressway you look at a crack in the wall with some water run off and salt deposits. The noxious fumes from all the traffic affect your brain and you begin to see visions. Holy chastity belt, Batman!. It's the Virgin Mary!! Next thing you know there are crowds and cameras to see this "miracle". Let's just forget about the traffic that is being backed up to Adams street downtown because it's a fucking miracle! I just thank God almighty I ride my bike or take the train from work.

As for me I recognize small personal miracles. Perfect example is getting back and forth to work in the loop on my bicycle without getting killed. Now that's a miracle! Or how about the fact that I have not totally lost it at work and went postal in my office? Restraint? Composure?? Luck??? Hell no, another fucking miracle! Remember that story in the bible about Jesus feeding a bunch of folks a couple of fish and some bread? Big deal! Try living in Chicago in the 21st century on half the salary you used to make and still be able to pay all your bills... on time! MIRACLE!!!!!! So just to recap. Salt water deposits from a crack in the cement under a viaduct: not a miracle. At best wishful thinking. I see the Virgin Mary, my cat Casper and Mickey Mouse regularly in cloud formations all the time. I'm not even going to tell you what I see on my kitchen tile!

What do you see??

Gift Giving 101

Another Holiday season has come and gone with Christmas being the most painful. Didn't you know that Christmas was all about pain? I'm sure the Virgin Mary had some choice words to say when she was giving birth to the Baby Jesus. But I digress. I am referring to the pain of gift receiving. I have come to the conclusion that most people (who shall remain nameless) do not know what to get me for Christmas or any other holiday for that matter! To be totally fair I thought i would provide a primer for those of you who are gift giving challenged.

I like simple casual clothes. I'm usually crawling around under a desk fixing computers so don't get me clothes for an accountant! Jeans, casual slacks, T-shirts, mock T's and sweaters with simple patterns. No sweaters that send me into epileptic shock every time I look at it. A good place to start would be Old Navy.

As you should all know I am a big geek. Those of you who were not aware of this simply let me know and I will come over and smack the shit out of you. Anything that smacks of geekdome would be a good gift. Star Trek (any), LOTR, Watches that have an MP3 player, or anything shiny. I love shiny things. I'm kind of like a raccoon that way except you usually don't see me rummaging around in garbage cans. Think Geek is a good place to start.

Believe it or not a charitable donation in my name is an excellent gift. I'm not a total selfish bastard! However some guidelines to follow. Do not give gifts in my name to such organizations as the Christian Coalition, Daughters of the American Revolution, Swift Boat Veterans or any other Right wing (or minded) organization. I'm one of those tree hugging, Birkenstock wearing, hippie (without the nasty hair) liberals. Unless we are talking flat tax then I'm all there! Most any charity that helps people living with AIDS is always a good choice. Oh, and don't forget the crisis in South Asia!

Last but not least, a perfect gift would be time with you. I would love nothing better than some quality time with my friends and family. Well, as long as you include dinner at a fabulous restaurant or tickets to the hottest show. I'm all there!

Now that you have the inside scoop on the types of gifts I like you are all set. Oh, by the way my birthday is February 5th. You have less than a month!!!