Just Bitching

Over and Done With

2005-05-31T13:34:00.000-05:00

For those of you who do not know, I recently had to "resign" from my job. It was a long series of events which led to my resignation. But I have been able to analyze the events quite thoroughly now that I have nothing but time! It all boils down to my boss' lack of managerial and leadership skills (e.g. He's a spineless, kiss ass weasel! But you already knew that). He had no problem communicating with upper management and promising delivery of a laptop on my behalf but this bastard couldn't give me a simple phone call to let me know what was going on. Basically, I found myself in the impossible situation of a senior staff member who wanted something in an impossible time frame while I'm in serious foot pain. This woman had no concern for me or my medical issues and neither did my boss. Everything from there was pretty much down hill.

My boss sided with the senior manager at every turn. Once I finally got the laptop built there was a miscommunication between me and that heartless bitch regional director but I totally apologized for "any inconvenience" blah, blah, blah. Didn't mean beans. She wanted me gone and that's what they got. I got some severance and 3 months medical. I'm sure they did that as hush money so I don't go trying to sue them or something. I'm just glad I'm out of there. That place was becoming more toxic than a pack of cigarettes a day! The thing that REALLY sucks is that good people are being subjected to management's lack of leadership. But management is so clueless that they have no idea that 1/2 the staff is looking for work at any given moment. Another case of an organization being run by idiots. Good riddance to bad rubbish I say!

And the Darwin Award Goes To...

2005-05-23T09:48:00.000-05:00

Believe it or not sitting around the house, eating everything in site and watching TV does get old. I can't even believe I just said that!! As you know I have been recovering from foot surgery over the past five days. It would have been great if I could have left the house and walked around the park or something. Nope, I was cooped up in the house like a shut in. Now I know how dogs feel when company comes over. I was so happy when friends would come to visit. I was even happier when they brought food! I was getting cravings like a pregnant woman. One friend brought over some Popeye's Chicken. I swore to her that I wouldn't touch that stuff because it was too greasy. After smelling it for five seconds I pretty much inhaled it. Another friend was kind enough to bring over some beer after I called and told him I was jonesing for one! God bless my next door neighbor for the Swedish fish. But girlfriend, you didn't have to bring over 2 pounds! I think I've already eaten a pound!!!!

This morning all that is over because it is my first day back at work. I would like to share with you one of my Darwin award nominating moments from this morning. Taking a shower! Since I can not get the bandages wet I have to cover my foot in a plastic bag. Being ghetto I don't have one of those fancy shower bags for the foot. No, I have a Target bag and neon shoe string. So I'm walking around with this Target bag on my foot tied up with shoe string and I get in the shower. Picture this. I have the Target bag foot elevated on the rim of the tub (I don't trust that the shoe string will keep a water tight seal). I'm balancing myself on the other foot which is still in pain and due for surgery in about three weeks and I'm holding the shower head with one hand while trying to soap with the other. It's amazing I'm still alive! Can't you see my dumb ass slipping and hitting my head on the fixture or something? Note to my family: If this does happen please make sure you sue Target for making defective plastic bags. Regardless of that I made it to work just fine... I'm ready to go back home now.

Paul Bunion: Still ALIVE!!

2005-05-19T09:32:00.000-05:00

Gang, I made it through. I will admit that I was a little nervous right before the operation. Probably had something to do with the fact that I was sitting on a leather chair in one of those hospital gowns with my back and ass sticking to the chair. which was cold and sticky! They should also have a little sound barrier between the operating room and the waiting area because every time the nurse opened the door I could hear what sounded like electric saws and electric staples or punches. At least that is what it sounded like to me. Freaky! My vision of the operation was that I would be sitting in a very comfortable chair and there would be soft music playing in the background. Kind of like a dentists office. Oh no! It was an actual surgery room, all white with those big lights overhead like on ER and me stretched out on some hard ass table that looked like some kind of Medieval torture device. There's also a hole in the middle of the table. I don't even want to know what that is for! The good thing was the anesthesia worked great! I was a little worried I might wake up and hear stuff! Thank God that was not the case. I had just laid down and the next minute my foot was all wrapped up and they were giving me the bums rush off the table! I don't remember anything.

I will say that my dad was a gem. He brought me to the surgery center and back. I stayed at his place that afternoon and evening, ate like a pig (Nothing to eat or drink in over 16 hours!) and took several naps while the anesthesia wore off. Now I'm home surrounded with tons of comfort food, about 1000 remote controls, a computer, plenty of movies (Thanks Luther!) and let's not forget drugs!! If I didn't have bills to pay I could live like this for the rest of my life!

Oh, thanks to Jim Benn for the "Paul Bunion" thing. I try not to steal lines but sometimes...

Jack the Knife

2005-05-17T14:43:00.000-05:00

Knife? Knife?? Did somebody say knife?! Oh Lord have mercy! They gonna' cut a piece out of Pauly's foot! I've never even had a broken bone and now I'm paying someone to break my toe to make it all better. It's a little tale that started about a year ago when I found out I had flat feet. Apparently that condition can also lead to bunions. It would have been nice if someone had told me that sooner. I would never have surgery if I didn't need it and the podiatrist seems to think I should have it. God only knows how much coin old boy will be getting for a 1/2 hour procedure. Regardless, I think I need it also. I have been in persistent pain for the past couple of weeks. Thing is, it wasn't a gradual thing. One day the pain wasn't there and the next day it was. Goodness, I look so pathetic walking around in the loop. I swear little old ladies with walkers were passing me!

Come tomorrow I will look even more pathetic because I will have to walk around with a surgical boot. It kind of starts making you think about our mobility. I've noticed the various ways people get around. Walking, limping, crutches, kanes, walkers, wheelchairs and yes even Segways. Somehow, someway we are getting from point A to point B regardless of impairment. It's actually kind of amazing. I would say that is one freedom we all want to keep. 'Cause honey's I'm not letting any grass grow under these feet. I plan to be riding my bicycle before the end of the summer. Who's up for a Lakefront ride?

So Many Questions

2005-04-29T13:10:00.000-05:00

Hey gang. There are some questions that have been floating around in my head. I think it's time for them to float right out into this journal so here you go!

1. Why is my cat extremely shy when I watch him eat but he has no problem licking his privates in front of company?

2. In reference to last nights Presidential news conference: If the country is trying to reduce it's dependance on foreign oil why didn't the president mention energy conservation? I know stupid question but I had to ask.

3. Now that I have made up my mind to leave my crappy job why is the quality of my work better?

4. Why does a middle aged woman who makes a 6 figure salary come in my office and whine like a baby when she needs something? This one really gets on my nerves!

5. Why do people always walk into my office a minute after I pass gas?

6. Why do people walk in my office?!

7. Now that we have this national push to eat healthier because we are such fat asses why on God's Earth do I keep finding stuff like this availabe at restaurants?

8. When people are crossing a two lane road why don't they ever look in the direction of oncoming traffic? All Darwin award nominees. Dumb asses!!

9. Why do fat ugly guys like to parade around naked in the gym's locker room while the cute ones scurry out really fast? WHY???!!!

10. Where on Earth does that new Airbus airplane (the one that holds a million people) expect to land?

And last but not least...

11. WHY HAVEN'T I FOUND ANOTHER JOB YET?

If questions are the beginning of wisdom then I must be a fucking genious!

Praying to Concrete

2005-04-21T21:26:00.000-05:00

OK, that's it. I have had it! I don't care what religion you are. I really don't, but for those of you looking for miracles I don't recommend hanging out in Chicago viaducts! It's just getting kind of crazy here. But I guess I can see how this kind of thing happens. The leader of your church takes off to meet his maker and you are left here floundering and wondering what will happen next. As you are walking down Fullerton Avenue and under the Kennedy expressway you look at a crack in the wall with some water run off and salt deposits. The noxious fumes from all the traffic affect your brain and you begin to see visions. Holy chastity belt, Batman!. It's the Virgin Mary!! Next thing you know there are crowds and cameras to see this "miracle". Let's just forget about the traffic that is being backed up to Adams street downtown because it's a fucking miracle! I just thank God almighty I ride my bike or take the train from work.

As for me I recognize small personal miracles. Perfect example is getting back and forth to work in the loop on my bicycle without getting killed. Now that's a miracle! Or how about the fact that I have not totally lost it at work and went postal in my office? Restraint? Composure?? Luck??? Hell no, another fucking miracle! Remember that story in the bible about Jesus feeding a bunch of folks a couple of fish and some bread? Big deal! Try living in Chicago in the 21st century on half the salary you used to make and still be able to pay all your bills... on time! MIRACLE!!!!!! So just to recap. Salt water deposits from a crack in the cement under a viaduct: not a miracle. At best wishful thinking. I see the Virgin Mary, my cat Casper and Mickey Mouse regularly in cloud formations all the time. I'm not even going to tell you what I see on my kitchen tile!

What do you see??

Gift Giving 101

2005-01-06T11:39:00.000-06:00

Another Holiday season has come and gone with Christmas being the most painful. Didn't you know that Christmas was all about pain? I'm sure the Virgin Mary had some choice words to say when she was giving birth to the Baby Jesus. But I digress. I am referring to the pain of gift receiving. I have come to the conclusion that most people (who shall remain nameless) do not know what to get me for Christmas or any other holiday for that matter! To be totally fair I thought i would provide a primer for those of you who are gift giving challenged.

I like simple casual clothes. I'm usually crawling around under a desk fixing computers so don't get me clothes for an accountant! Jeans, casual slacks, T-shirts, mock T's and sweaters with simple patterns. No sweaters that send me into epileptic shock every time I look at it. A good place to start would be Old Navy.

As you should all know I am a big geek. Those of you who were not aware of this simply let me know and I will come over and smack the shit out of you. Anything that smacks of geekdome would be a good gift. Star Trek (any), LOTR, Watches that have an MP3 player, or anything shiny. I love shiny things. I'm kind of like a raccoon that way except you usually don't see me rummaging around in garbage cans. Think Geek is a good place to start.

Believe it or not a charitable donation in my name is an excellent gift. I'm not a total selfish bastard! However some guidelines to follow. Do not give gifts in my name to such organizations as the Christian Coalition, Daughters of the American Revolution, Swift Boat Veterans or any other Right wing (or minded) organization. I'm one of those tree hugging, Birkenstock wearing, hippie (without the nasty hair) liberals. Unless we are talking flat tax then I'm all there! Most any charity that helps people living with AIDS is always a good choice. Oh, and don't forget the crisis in South Asia!

Last but not least, a perfect gift would be time with you. I would love nothing better than some quality time with my friends and family. Well, as long as you include dinner at a fabulous restaurant or tickets to the hottest show. I'm all there!

Now that you have the inside scoop on the types of gifts I like you are all set. Oh, by the way my birthday is February 5th. You have less than a month!!!

When Resolutions Get in The Way

2005-01-04T11:03:00.000-06:00

Happy New Year again. I am sure this will be the year it all happens for me. I can feel it in my bones. New job, new body, new boyfriend.. I can't wait! Hey, wasn't that what I said last year?! Though I didn't get everything I hoped for last year I definitely put myself on the right road. I joined a gym, started working out, eating better and actually lost weight. Amazing how that happens with no Atkins diet!! That whole willpower/commitment thing actually works! But between you and me I'm actually glad when it fails for other people. OMG! I'm a selfish bastard! Yes, I'm talking about all those people who join the gym at the beginning of the year and swear they are going to look like Colin Farrell by March. I'm here to tell them it ain't gonna' happen! I went to the gym this morning and I thought someone was giving away free government cheese in the locker room! There were people all over the place!

The main reason I go in the morning is to avoid the crowds. Many mornings I have the locker room all to myself. This morning was quite different. There was some goober undressing right next to my locker. I informed him that my locker was next to his and he wouldn't move his ass out of the way! Fucking rude ass newbies! And I won't even talk about the number of "big boned" people I saw this morning. One dude was so big and burly I swear he glued a rug to his back! To be fair there were definitely a couple of keepers. I wouldn't mind spotting them on a bench press! But one thing is a constant. Ninety nine percent of all resolutions are usually broken within the first couple of months which means I will get the locker room back to myself VERY soon!

Count Your Blessings

2005-01-03T15:26:00.000-06:00

Happy New Year! I'm still here and have made it to another year! What a blessing. Even though this blog is titled just bitching it really is about blessings. Believe it or not I count my blessing every day! One of my biggest blessings is that I'm not as fucked up as most other people! But in all seriousness I'm thankful for my family and it's newest member Joshua Alexander. Welcome to the world Joshua! Here is my message to little Joshua:

Dear Joshua,

Though you are a wee thing right now you have a world of experiences just waiting for you. Your first steps, your first words, your first day at school. I am so jealous of you in so many ways. Life is truly a wonderland when you are a child especially a new born! Someone is there to feed you, clothe you, hold you. Hell, there's even someone to wipe your butt! How cool is that!? So remember these words of wisdom from your dear old (and jaded) uncle Paul. Act as crazy as you can for as long as you can! Never leave home! Make your parents take care of you for as long as possible. Because dude, it's hell out here! You would have to go to school for what seems like forever! Then you will have to get a job and work for another eternity! If you are one of the lucky ones you just may have enough money for retirement but the way things are going these days I wouldn't hold my breathe! So little Joshua, you should always count your blessings. You have a wonderful mother and father who you can torture for the next 18 years and they will love you no matter what. So go ahead and have those tantrums in the mall, your mama won't mind. And go ahead and wreck your dad's car as soon as your get your license. Your dad won't mind. Because they love you. You are probably going to get a few spankings now and then but once you find the right chords you can play them like a violin and that will be music to your ears! Remember, it's all about the love (and acting crazy).

Sarcastically,

Uncle Paul

A Year's Worth of Bitching

2004-12-30T11:03:00.000-06:00

Since everyone else is doing some crappy retrospective of the year gone by then I should probably do the same. So below are my top 10 bitches of the year. These are in no particular order. Kind of like my life.

1. I'm still in the same dead end job. This is just a matter of me getting off my lazy ass and hitting the pavement. With my bad knees it will be a struggle. Maybe I can get some Aleve if they haven't pulled that off the market too!
2. I'm still looking for Mr. OK-I-guess-you-will-do. Mr. Right died 100 years ago in an unfortunate accident when he pulled the seat out for his date a little too far and the gal slipped to the floor, tipped the chair Mr. Right was holding and knocked him into a burning candle on the next table. He was charred to a crisp. Hence the death of shivalry!
3. George Bush is still president. I don't need to say anything more.
4. My family thinks I'm an extra large now AFTER I lost 20 pounds and was never more than a large to begin with! (Let's visit backward land, shall we).
5. My new bank (TCF) sucks as much, if not more than the old bank (Bank One)! Can I write checks from money I've stuffed in my mattress? Electronic payments??
6. That bitch is still living in my building but a lot of the cool people left. Is this some kind of curse I'm under?
7. The people at work are getting as fat as ever and swear they are going to drag me along. I think only two of them can fit in the elevator at a time these days. And don't walk behind them. It's like driving a Geo Metro and trying to see past an Escalade!
8. Peanut is still the worst barber ever! I know I said I wouldn't go back but I was trying to help the brother out. When charity work means I must live with a bad fade that's where the charity ends! I am getting a haircut today from someone else.
9. OK, I could only come up with the top 8 bitches. Hell, that's enough for anyone! Stop your bitching already!!

...And deliver us from George Bush

2004-12-10T09:35:00.000-06:00

I think I am finally coming out of my depressed state. It only took a month but as you know these things take time. Yes, I'm depressed about men and money but those are constant depressions. No, this one was much more immediate. I was still upset about that farce of a presidential election we had last month. I was in serious depression the entire day when I heard that Bush had won. I couldn't believe it! I was shaken to the very core of my being. What does this say about our country? I ran the scenarios back and forth then forth and back. Economic, social, domestic, foreign, they all came out the same to me. This country has taken a shit on itself, can't smell it and there is no one there to change the diaper! Then came the mad rush to jump the proverbial ship with the resignation of such popular cabinet members as Colin Powell. All I can say is Dude, you should have left about 2 years ago when your integrity didn't have so many holes in it! Oddly enough this administration had no problem keeping the one man who should have been kicked out on his keaster, Don (I'm too sexy for this war) Rumsfeld.

Lately I've been feeling like Ned Beatty in the movie 'Deliverance'. It's just a matter of time before the religious right makes me squeal like a pig. But I have come to some point of equilibrium that keeps me going through the day and also keeps me from hopping on the first jet out of this back woods country. And that is the simple knowledge that he will be gone in four years! Four years isn't that long. Humph! I just realized that a lot can happen in four years! The war in Iraq could escalate, the dollar could continue to fall, the economy could go to shit, there could be another terrorist attack and I could get more gray hair. Well, as you know I always try to look on the bright side. At least I have the power to take care of one of these nasty foretellings. I can always buy Grecian Formula!

Now That's a Fire!

2004-12-07T13:03:00.000-06:00

As you all know, I have been working in the loop for the past two years. And though I have reservations about my job there are definitely no reservations about working downtown in the loop! Fun and peril at the turn of every corner! A parade over here, falling debris over there, Millennium park opening over here, cranes smashing into buildings over there. It just doesn't end down here! Last nights fire definitely brought that fact home. I was at home and had just finished watching a TV show I had taped from Sunday. Decided to check out the Monday night comedy shows and found they had been preempted by footage of some fire downtown! Well, I was highly pissed that I was missing 2 1/2 Men! That Charlie Sheen is so damn cute! But I digress. Anywho, I'm watching this building go up in flames like some towering inferno and think to myself, "That building looks awful familiar, can't quite place it though." I was finally given a clue when they gave the address of the burning building. It is a building I go to all the time for lunch which is directly across the street from my own office building! Crazy!!!

Mind you, last year I distinctly remember leaving work a little late and I was heading off to take care of some banking business. For some reason I looked up. It may have had something to do with the fire engines screaming down Dearborn. That's when I saw the fire raging in the county building! I immediately asked a woman standing next to me, "Isn't that a fire?!" She looks up then looks at me with the most vacuous and apathetic stare as she shrugs her shoulders and continues to walk across the street! I thought I was clueless!! Two tragedies like this in such close vicinity and time. Fortunately this time there were no fatalities. I don't think any of us will have to guess at what will be on the next city council agenda!

Off To The Poling Place I Go

2004-11-02T13:22:00.000-06:00

I got up early (6AM) and was going to jog around the park before heading to the polling place but the weather was so crappy I just made a bee line to the polling place. Good thing I did! When I got there, there was already a line at 6:30AM! I had to wait a little over 30 minutes to vote and when I finished the line was even longer. It also doesn't help that their process for signing in registrants is slow and cumbersome not to mention the fact that they all seem to be suffering from collective stupidity.

The guy who was checking the names asked my name and I spelled it out for him. He gets to the page where I'm listed with my signature. I point to my entry and say, "I'm right here." Mind you there are no other Thompsons on the page and he had the never to ask me, "How do you spell your name again?" I wanted to tell him to get up and head down the hall to the nearest class room! He OBVIOUSLY needs a refresher course in the basics. (The polling place is in a grade school auditorium).

When I voted I made sure to punch Kerry's chad SEVERAL times. Then I pulled out my card and inspected it like the 2000 election not once but twice. I'm not taking any chances!

Not a big fish story

2004-10-20T14:10:00.000-05:00

Lately I have been reading…Books! Can you believe that?! I’ve had my head so far up a computer’s ass I thought I was going to turn into a cyborg! But alas, no such luck. I will not be as plugged in as I would like. Personally I think it would be über cool to have a chip in my head that connects me directly to massive databases and the Internet. Wow! But I digress. So anyway, I have been getting some of my information old school style. I have read several really good books lately. One was about using higher spatial dimensions to derive an equation of everything (small and weak nuclear forces, electromagnetic and gravitational forces). It was titled Hyperspace. Yes, I read dorky stuff like that. Another was about the current situation in the Middle East and how we are doomed to repeat history and fuck it up. I think that one was called Western Footprints. I’ve also read a book about how you can NOT live on minimum wage. It’s called Nickel and Dimed. Excellent book. My next venture was to read a novel, something of fiction. My selections were just getting too serious! So I thought why not read a classic like Moby Dick. OK, you nasty basards, I’m talking about the original novel by Herman Melville!

I thought this would be a good time to dust off the old library card (which I had never used) and give this classic some much needed air. I was able to implement my former library aid skills (I worked in the library in college) and figure their system out with much rapidity. I made a beeline to the shelf where it should be. Can you believe it? They didn’t have it. Not only that, they just don’t carry it at that branch! A classic like Moby Dick and it isn’t part of their permanent collection? What gives?? I was able to find it in other branch libraries why not this one? Is it because the library is in the hood? Who knows. I did notice they had plenty of videos and books on tape at the library. Bingo! They didn’t have it in print but they did have it on tape. I guess the people who patronize my branch library are just too stupid to read the 500+ page book so the branch settled for the book on tape. That’s just wonderful. After this little discovery I realized that all I wanted was something to read on the train so I made a bee line over to the sci-fi section and picked two Star Trek: Next Generation novels from the shelf. If you can’t get a meal for the mind then cheetos will have to do!

Back in Black

2004-10-19T13:46:00.000-05:00

To quote the title of one of my favorite Heavy Metal bands. I feel like I'm back in black because I'm back at work this week. Prior to last week I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown or seriously going postal on someone. For those of you who know me you pick which direction I was headed. Though I believe I look good in orange I don't believe I am meant to wear it from head to toe! Hence my short, short hiatus from work. I did not leave town though that was part of my plan. I would have loved to check out Apple River in Western Illinois where my friend Pat lives or even just pop over to St. Joseph Michigan where other friends have a house but alas, the piggy bank was bare! Which was fine because it was a crappy weekend. I still had a nice time off work and it did me a world of good. The voices in my head have been quieted for now.

On the flip side, election day is exactly two weeks from today. If you have not registered to vote by now then, "No soup for you!!!" if Bush wins. If you did register to vote then put November 2nd in your calendar and walk, run, crawl, roll or even astrally project yourself down to the polls and VOTE!!! Let's welcome George Bush back to Texas. I will buy the confetti.

The Worst Week Ever

2004-10-07T13:49:00.000-05:00

I don't know if this has been the worst week of my life but it rates right up there. It started off this weekend with my friend whose boyfriend got a little violent with her because she kicked his lame, drug dealing, lying, cheating, ass out of the apartment. Oh, and we (myself and a couple of other friends) were trying to find him to find out what the fuck was going on. So that was Saturday. Sunday was great! That's because I got drunk which means Monday at work was awful. Actually, this whole week at work has been awful. Everyone here has been getting on my nerves. Crying about every little fucking thing. Oh, on top of that I'm sick as a dog. I have allergies and a cold. So I'm drugged up on Benedryl and I-don't-know-what-the-fuck. I'm just popping pills to take away the pain of work. Agh! I'm a druggy!!!!!!!

I'm also sick of being on the Condo board. We just got a new furnace for the building and I JUST changed bank accounts which means I don't have checks yet to pay the installers. So I had to go to the bank yesterday to get a cashier's check. Do you know what a pain in the ass it is to get a cashiers check for $8600 when you don't have an account number or checks? I know, dumb question. I finally got the check after spending my entire lunch hour at the bank. One good thing, I was able to leave work early yesterday to pay the furnace installers. If this sounds like a marathon of bitching then you are right! I'm in a foul, foul mood and need a break. I just got the OK from my boss that I could take time off next week. Yippie!!! If he were here I would hug him. Now I have bigger problems. If I get next week off what the hell am I going to do?! OK, OK, I will say it, "Stop your bitching already!"

Knee Deep In It

2004-10-01T10:40:00.000-05:00

The discussion for today is the Thursday night presidential debates. BORING!! This was definitely TV viewing for insomniacs. The American public is being spoon fed a load of crap from the Democratic and Republican parties. They have debate-jacked the debates from any other would be contenders and have turned it into some pasturized, homoginized white bread with mayonnaise affair. Did anyone listen to the rules that were agreed to? It was like a laundry list! Don't talk directly to your opponent. No comments from the audience (i.e. don't even cough!). etc, etc. I could barely stand to look at either of them during the debate. The only thing that made it interesting was when ABC violated one of the rules and did a split screen of the candidates. While Kerry was speaking they also had a shot of Bush looking pissed off and stupid. That was the only thing that made it half way interesting.

You should all know my opinion on the whole presidential race by now. I despise this president and think he needs to go but I am also no huge fan of John Kerry. He is simply the lesser of two evils in my mind. At least he does have vision enough not to be a unilateralist. Also, since this debate was regarding foreign policy what the hell happened to the Isreali-Palestinian issue??? HELLO!!! And we heard about the 1000+ service members who have lost their lives but neither candidate mentioned the thousands of Iraquis who have been killed. I wonder if that was one of the "don'ts" outlined in the rules. As a symbolic gesture of the deep shit we find ourselves in regardless of who wins and the shit that was coming out of both candidates' mouths I soaked and washed my feet during the debate. Always remember, if you find yourself standing in shit you better wash your feet!

Just Trifling!

2004-09-28T15:52:00.000-05:00

That's what my mother would say about certain people who wouldn't do what they were supposed to be doing. She often said it to me when I failed to clean my room or do other chores. But now that I'm an adult I know the importance of completing my work. I've also had a couple of jobs working in customer service (yes, I did retail) so I also know how the customer should be treated. Unfortunately this lesson is not universal or is definitely not learned by everyone. Case in point. I've been going to the same barbershop for a few years now. It's in the hood, it's cheap and there are always good looking guys there. Obviously I go more for the latter reason than the former. Hey, it's me! Anyway, my barber Peanut (you know he is black with a nickname like that) told me I was third in line behind two kids. I'm thinking no problem since kids have small heads! He would be done in no time. I have now come to realize that I have selective amnesia when dealing with Peanut. Invariably I end up waiting for what seems like an eternity because Peanut be trifling around!

Picture this. It's Saturday afternoon, the place is packed with little gang banger types and there is loud Salsa music playing. Peanut is about half way done with one guy then decides he needs to take telephone/cigarette break. So this Negro has not even finished the guys head he was working on and stays outside on the phone for what must have been 20 minutes. Oh Hell NO!! I like Peanut but he has done that just one too many times and he never did it for that long. So I did what any other consumer would do. I voted with my feet. If Peanut ain't gonna' do it then Paco will! I hopped in the first chair that was open. Not only did this guy give me an awesome haircut in record time he even charged me less! Damn sad. You try to help a brother out. It's obvious that this trifling fool has not grown up enough to realize the reason that he is broke all the time (he tells me this too) is that he doesn't know how to take care of his business! So I say, "Peanut, you just gonna' be one broke MoFo with your dumb ass!"

2004-09-24T14:13:00.000-05:00

OMG! What a fucking week I've had! I swear it has been like the seventh circle of hell here at work. Monday I was still feeling the effects of Sunday night. Though it was not planned Sunday turned out to be one of those impromptu all day drinking things which culminated with me sitting at my neighborhood bar with my good friend Shawn trashed off my ass! So basically I was not feeling up to snuff on Monday. Which would have been bad enough on it's own but of course one of the PC's took a crap and why oh why did it have to be Godzilla's?! Godzilla sits across from my office and bitches and whines all day long. It is constant. I swear I can feel the caustic flames of her breath licking at my door!

Tuesday I was sick as a dog. Not part of the Sunday ailment because this was all located in the stomach. I got to work at 9AM and was right back out the door at 9:40AM! Went home, laid down and watched crappy daytime TV. Bleh!! I'm sure it was the grilled ham and cheese sandwich I had at the Botulism Diner that made me sick. Wednesday, busy as hell with an extra dose of bitching from Godzilla AND I'm still a little queasy from Tuesday's ailment. Thursday more busy. Which brings me to Friday. I'm typing this blog so... I AIN'T DOIN' SHIT TODAY!!!

2004-06-15T11:29:00.000-05:00

Here is something that ticked me off today. I was listening to the radio the other day about all these fat ass kids we got running around. Well, I don't have any kids. If I did we know there would have been some divine intervention. Anyway, all these fat ass kids running around and I guess the state of Arkansas has been keeping track of all its little chubsters. In one town they found that about 1/2 the seniors were pie bandits! One of the methods they are using to determine who is and is not a porker is by using the BMI. This is a nasty little government index to tell you how fat you are. I don't particularly like this measurement because it doesn't take several factors into account. Also, the scale has been lowered in the past few years. Not sure who is drawing up these arbitrary lines to tell me that once I was OK but now I'm a Chuckie Cheese chubster AND haven't gained a pound.

So I decided to do my BMI once more to see where I fell in the spectrum. I figure after losing 15 pounds I should be good to go. Well I calculated my BMI and I am good to go! Go right back in the gym and keep eating celery sticks! That damn thing said I was overweight! According to their scale I would have to lose an additional 11 to 12 pounds to be considered "normal". Like I ever want to be classified as "normal". I don't know about losing 12 more pounds. If I did manage to lose that much weight you guys would think I escaped from a concentration camp and asking, "Where's the beef?" As I stated my beef is with the government and this crazy BMI scale. I think you should all go here and calculate your own BMI. I think you will be surprised and shocked!

2004-05-27T10:18:00.000-05:00

Well it's been a while since I had to talk about people and that should be a good sign. Maybe that means I was on my way to the next plain of existence? You know that whole Oprah thing as you move up the ladder to self realization or some shit like that. Well guess what, I've fallen a few wrungs on that ladder! It's time to talk about folks! As many of you know, I have exhibited an extraordinary amount of will power with my whole fitness craze and diet (OK pseudo diet). You have seen the trials and tribulations I must endure with the office I work in. They are constantly bringing in food of every ilk. I must give a big shout out to my very good friend Luther who was so kind as to bring me grahm crackers on the day somebody decided to bring in pies (yes, that's plural) and cake (the cake was for someone's birthday. I didn't get a cake for my birthday but I will save that bitching for another post).

So you are saying to yourself, "Pauly, what could be the matter? Sounds like you have it all under control!" You couldn't be more wrong! Today after a vigorous workout I walk into the office and headed for the kitchen to get my morning tea (Earl Grey of course. That's what Captain Picard drinks!). While I'm walking to the kitchen my nose is going into over drive. What the hell is that delicious smell? When I get there I could not believe that someone was cooking BACON in the toaster oven! I was like, "Oh Hell naw!!!! These mother fuckers have just went overboard now!" The other thing I was thinking is if I could have some! I desperately wanted to know who the hell was cooking bacon. Come to find out the culprit was the largest of us all. He is a very nice portly (OK, he's fucking fat!) Mexican man who works in our mail room. OH HELL NAW!!!!! I swear to you the one thing that kept going through my mind was if I could remember CPR because this boy is going to go into cardiac arrest and somebody will have to keep his ass alive until the paramedics come. I think I had better sign up for a class this weekend!!!

2003-07-25T10:56:00.000-05:00

As many of you may know, I live in a building with a very strange and difficult woman. Her name is Karen and she is... well... a bitch. Here's the story.
John, the current president of the condo association just sold his place to a guy named Jesus (with the Spanish pronunciation). Jesus is apparently interested in being the president of the association (which nobody wants). We were going to invite him to sit in on our next meeting as a courtesy before he moved into the building (I'm thinking, "yeah, let's scare him off before he even closes on the place!"). Then Karen had the NERVE to say, and I quote, "...It might also be useful to ask him if he could provide a resume and a letter indicating any qualifications he may possess for the position along with a few references." References? Resumes?? Letter of qualifications??? What the Hell!? These are positions that no one wants. When the association needed a treasurer they practically begged me to take the position. Did anyone bother to ask if I was qualified. Hell no. I don't even know how to balance my own check book. I gave up on that years ago! So I ponder to myself what could be going on in the salty grey haired mind of this woman. Does she realize how unqualified she is for the position that she currently holds. She is the secretary for the association and all she has to do is take minutes and pass them out to all the owners. The minutes she takes are invariably biased her way (I voted against approving her minutes on occassion), she doesn't get them to the owners (forget about a timely manner. I'm talking about AT ALL) and forget about e-mail. She is totally incompetent when it comes to technology. So I ponder again. What could be going through her twisted paranoid and fucked up mind. I guess if I was a thought in her head and had to navigate those treacherous waters I would end up a gnarled and mangled mess when I reached the other side... or are her thoughts simply lost in an abysss?... I ponder.

2003-05-19T23:17:00.000-05:00

For those of you who are not in the know I was recently in New York for an orientation/get to know ya’ type deal with the new boss. Ah, the new boss. He is the epitome of a geek. He is cute, skinny with glasses and loves to write code (computer programing for you non-geeks). Who could ask for more!? We had a good time hanging out in NY including dinner, theatre and drinks at a local watering hole. We saw “Take Me Out” which is a play about a gay star baseball player who comes out of the closet. I enjoyed the two nude shower scenes!

My boss is a cutie but as with all men he has his problems. The first and foremost is that he doesn’t realize he is gay! I know, I know. I can already hear you out there saying, “Why do all gay men think everyone is gay?!” Because they ARE!!! This one definitely leans toward the Dorothy side. Even the women in my office were saying so. And straight women can be kinda’ clueless when it comes to gay men. He’s also a bit of a control freak. He wants to know every little detail that is going on in the office where I work (basically to say yea or nay I’m sure) and immediately after that he puts out some type of disclaimer by saying, “I am not a control freak.” Really!? I also think he is borderline suicidal. While he was in Chicago he got out on our 15th floor window ledge. Can you believe that? So let’s see. I’m attracted to my boss who is a closeted control freak who has a death wish. Hmm… Sounds good to me! But as my dear friend Luther reminded me, “Never eat where you [defecate].” OK, I’m being nice.

2003-05-19T23:03:00.000-05:00

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