Gift Giving 101

Another Holiday season has come and gone with Christmas being the most painful. Didn't you know that Christmas was all about pain? I'm sure the Virgin Mary had some choice words to say when she was giving birth to the Baby Jesus. But I digress. I am referring to the pain of gift receiving. I have come to the conclusion that most people (who shall remain nameless) do not know what to get me for Christmas or any other holiday for that matter! To be totally fair I thought i would provide a primer for those of you who are gift giving challenged.

I like simple casual clothes. I'm usually crawling around under a desk fixing computers so don't get me clothes for an accountant! Jeans, casual slacks, T-shirts, mock T's and sweaters with simple patterns. No sweaters that send me into epileptic shock every time I look at it. A good place to start would be Old Navy.

As you should all know I am a big geek. Those of you who were not aware of this simply let me know and I will come over and smack the shit out of you. Anything that smacks of geekdome would be a good gift. Star Trek (any), LOTR, Watches that have an MP3 player, or anything shiny. I love shiny things. I'm kind of like a raccoon that way except you usually don't see me rummaging around in garbage cans. Think Geek is a good place to start.

Believe it or not a charitable donation in my name is an excellent gift. I'm not a total selfish bastard! However some guidelines to follow. Do not give gifts in my name to such organizations as the Christian Coalition, Daughters of the American Revolution, Swift Boat Veterans or any other Right wing (or minded) organization. I'm one of those tree hugging, Birkenstock wearing, hippie (without the nasty hair) liberals. Unless we are talking flat tax then I'm all there! Most any charity that helps people living with AIDS is always a good choice. Oh, and don't forget the crisis in South Asia!

Last but not least, a perfect gift would be time with you. I would love nothing better than some quality time with my friends and family. Well, as long as you include dinner at a fabulous restaurant or tickets to the hottest show. I'm all there!

Now that you have the inside scoop on the types of gifts I like you are all set. Oh, by the way my birthday is February 5th. You have less than a month!!!

When Resolutions Get in The Way

Happy New Year again.  I am sure this will be the year it all happens for me.  I can feel it in my bones.  New job, new body, new boyfriend.. I can't wait!  Hey, wasn't that what I said last year?!  Though I didn't get everything I hoped for last year I definitely put myself on the right road.  I joined a gym, started working out, eating better and actually lost weight.  Amazing how that happens with no Atkins diet!!  That whole willpower/commitment thing actually works!  But between you and me I'm actually glad when it fails for other people.  OMG!  I'm a selfish bastard!  Yes, I'm talking about all those people who join the gym at the beginning of the year and swear they are going to look like Colin Farrell by March.  I'm here to tell them it ain't gonna' happen!  I went to the gym this morning and I thought someone was giving away free government cheese in the locker room!  There were people all over the place! 

 

The main reason I go in the morning is to avoid the crowds.  Many mornings I have the locker room all to myself.  This morning was quite different.  There was some goober undressing right next to my locker.  I informed him that my locker was next to his and he wouldn't move his ass out of the way!  Fucking rude ass newbies!  And I won't even talk about the number of "big boned" people I saw this morning.  One dude was so big and burly I swear he glued a rug to his back!  To be fair there were definitely a couple of keepers.  I wouldn't mind spotting them on a bench press!  But one thing is a constant.  Ninety nine percent of all resolutions are usually broken within the first couple of months which means I will get the locker room back to myself VERY soon!

Count Your Blessings

Happy New Year! I'm still here and have made it to another year! What a blessing. Even though this blog is titled just bitching it really is about blessings. Believe it or not I count my blessing every day! One of my biggest blessings is that I'm not as fucked up as most other people! But in all seriousness I'm thankful for my family and it's newest member Joshua Alexander. Welcome to the world Joshua! Here is my message to little Joshua:

Dear Joshua,

Though you are a wee thing right now you have a world of experiences just waiting for you. Your first steps, your first words, your first day at school. I am so jealous of you in so many ways. Life is truly a wonderland when you are a child especially a new born! Someone is there to feed you, clothe you, hold you. Hell, there's even someone to wipe your butt! How cool is that!? So remember these words of wisdom from your dear old (and jaded) uncle Paul. Act as crazy as you can for as long as you can! Never leave home! Make your parents take care of you for as long as possible. Because dude, it's hell out here! You would have to go to school for what seems like forever! Then you will have to get a job and work for another eternity! If you are one of the lucky ones you just may have enough money for retirement but the way things are going these days I wouldn't hold my breathe! So little Joshua, you should always count your blessings. You have a wonderful mother and father who you can torture for the next 18 years and they will love you no matter what. So go ahead and have those tantrums in the mall, your mama won't mind. And go ahead and wreck your dad's car as soon as your get your license. Your dad won't mind. Because they love you. You are probably going to get a few spankings now and then but once you find the right chords you can play them like a violin and that will be music to your ears! Remember, it's all about the love (and acting crazy).

Sarcastically,

Uncle Paul