So Many Questions

Hey gang. There are some questions that have been floating around in my head. I think it's time for them to float right out into this journal so here you go!

1. Why is my cat extremely shy when I watch him eat but he has no problem licking his privates in front of company?

2. In reference to last nights Presidential news conference: If the country is trying to reduce it's dependance on foreign oil why didn't the president mention energy conservation? I know stupid question but I had to ask.

3. Now that I have made up my mind to leave my crappy job why is the quality of my work better?

4. Why does a middle aged woman who makes a 6 figure salary come in my office and whine like a baby when she needs something? This one really gets on my nerves!

5. Why do people always walk into my office a minute after I pass gas?

6. Why do people walk in my office?!

7. Now that we have this national push to eat healthier because we are such fat asses why on God's Earth do I keep finding stuff like this availabe at restaurants?

8. When people are crossing a two lane road why don't they ever look in the direction of oncoming traffic? All Darwin award nominees. Dumb asses!!

9. Why do fat ugly guys like to parade around naked in the gym's locker room while the cute ones scurry out really fast? WHY???!!!

10. Where on Earth does that new Airbus airplane (the one that holds a million people) expect to land?

And last but not least...

11. WHY HAVEN'T I FOUND ANOTHER JOB YET?

If questions are the beginning of wisdom then I must be a fucking genious!

Praying to Concrete

OK, that's it. I have had it! I don't care what religion you are. I really don't, but for those of you looking for miracles I don't recommend hanging out in Chicago viaducts! It's just getting kind of crazy here. But I guess I can see how this kind of thing happens. The leader of your church takes off to meet his maker and you are left here floundering and wondering what will happen next. As you are walking down Fullerton Avenue and under the Kennedy expressway you look at a crack in the wall with some water run off and salt deposits. The noxious fumes from all the traffic affect your brain and you begin to see visions. Holy chastity belt, Batman!. It's the Virgin Mary!! Next thing you know there are crowds and cameras to see this "miracle". Let's just forget about the traffic that is being backed up to Adams street downtown because it's a fucking miracle! I just thank God almighty I ride my bike or take the train from work.

As for me I recognize small personal miracles. Perfect example is getting back and forth to work in the loop on my bicycle without getting killed. Now that's a miracle! Or how about the fact that I have not totally lost it at work and went postal in my office? Restraint? Composure?? Luck??? Hell no, another fucking miracle! Remember that story in the bible about Jesus feeding a bunch of folks a couple of fish and some bread? Big deal! Try living in Chicago in the 21st century on half the salary you used to make and still be able to pay all your bills... on time! MIRACLE!!!!!! So just to recap. Salt water deposits from a crack in the cement under a viaduct: not a miracle. At best wishful thinking. I see the Virgin Mary, my cat Casper and Mickey Mouse regularly in cloud formations all the time. I'm not even going to tell you what I see on my kitchen tile!

What do you see??